Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
so let's talk penis.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
