is your mom at the bar?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
