I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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