Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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