God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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