We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
My ATM looks so different sober.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
