Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
this beer tastes like vomit already
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
