every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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