The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
