google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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