Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
