I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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