we have pet lesbian snakes
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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