broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
