Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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