everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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