I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
