oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
