WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
