my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
