yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Randomize
