How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
