After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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