I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
