my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
