Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
There are leaves in my underwear?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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