I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I think I am morally bankrupt
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
