I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
