Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
