Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
