It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
