I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
