Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
