I will die if light touches me.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
