If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
