I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
