My balls are so social today.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
