broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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