you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
