He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
