"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
