I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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