We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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