Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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