oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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