hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
