she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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