the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
