Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My balls are so social today.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
You left your phone here
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