I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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