Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
two words...techno handjob
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
The struggles of a small town man whore
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
